SCHLONG!

I received a spam today offering me a special holiday discount on enlarging my penis. I deleted it. Do you want to know why? Because: the "make sure her stocking is STUFFED this holiday season" line was sitting there, right in front of the spammer's face, ready to roll, and s/he didn't have the sense to use it. That's just bad marketing. I receive dozens of offers to enlarge my penis every day, but none of them ever seem to put any effort into things any more. It's like we're just going through the penis enlarging motions, you know? Spammers: is the thrill in our relationship already gone?

So, last week I was speaking freely of frauds, and I wanted to follow up on that by saying this: I've noticed that lately, Rudy Giuliani has been ratcheting up his campaign rhetoric and basically taking credit for every good thing that's happened in or to New York City in the last two or three decades. If that's how he wants to campaign, fine. All I'm saying is this: if he dares to sully the reputation of the Ghostbusters by taking credit for defeating the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, I'm going to have to kick some ass. You heard it here first.

During the course of working on my latest review for my zombie movie web site I had reason to look up the definition of the word 'Adolescent', to make sure that I was using it exactly right. However, when I did so, I found these two definitions: (1) having the characteristics of adolescence or of an adolescent, (2) an adolescent person. Is it just me, or are these definitions USELESS? They don't tell me anything other than that an adolescent is an adolescent who has the characteristics of being adolescent. The dictionary might as well have written "Adolescent is as adolescent does", or "Adolescents are people who adolescentize themselves on a daily basis while also being adolescently adolesced"--these latter definitions are about as helpful, and they're definitely more fun to read. I wonder if the person writing me spams is the same person writing definitions for the online dictionary that I use. That would explain why every time I look up a word's definition I end up getting offered Viagra. I'm going to investigate this; I'll report back when I have more concrete information and/or a super giganto wang.