A Detailed List of My Many Accomplishments

Wired is running a feature on the ten cheesiest creatures/monsters ever seen on Star Trek. The third of these antagonists is this thing. Not to be gross, but I don't find that creature to be cheesy; rather, I find it to be disturbing, because last week when I was sick I hocked up something that looked remarkably similar to that, and I had to then battle with it for upwards of fifteen minutes before it was subdued. Let this be a lesson to all of us: never be without your phaser, even when you're sick in bed.

What's the limit for saying "hi" to a coworker on the same workday? Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I've surpassed it--today my paths have crossed with a coworker (he's a database developer, if that helps) (if it does, WEIRD) about 7 times, and EVERY SINGLE TIME he's greeted me and I've had to greet him back. Not to be a grump, but LEAVE ME ALONE. I mean seriously, we've seen each other, we've said hello, it's been great, but enough already. To put it another way, I've acknowledged the dude exists and is at work today a half-dozen times, how much affirmation does he need? I'm not his fucking personal positive mental image coach or anything. I'm not his daily affirmation specialist. If this were Wal-Mart, I'd greet the shit out of him until zombie Sam Walton attacked us and ate our guts (at a fraction of the cost of other zombie attacks), but this isn't, so I won't. Get it? If somebody could please pass this information on to him, that would be great.

So I just want to get this on the record in case I die and everyone asks, "Aside from amassing a rather large collection of celebrity toenail clippings, what exactly did Kurt accomplish with his life?", there can be a positive answer to that question. Okay, well, maybe not a positive answer, but a definitive answer, which is almost as good. Here is the answer in question: I just read that book Fletch and the Widow Bradley (the fourth Fletch book written in the Fletch series, but the one you should read third, according to the book's author, if that makes any sense), and I figured out, less than a third of the way through, that the dude who was supposed to be dead (1) had, in actuality, gotten a sex change operation, (2) had then faked his own death, and then (3) had started posing as his own sister in an attempt to "take over" and then continue running his own corporation. Seriously--less than a third of the way through the book I had all of that figured out. And I was right! Yes. I am awesome. Yes! So there we go--that's what I've done with my life.