Belt Pee Bonanza

The other night I was at a bar, and I accidentally drank several beers. Eventually I had to urinate, and so I found myself in a stall relieving myself, passing the time by reading the graffiti on the walls. As I was doing so (and learning, in the process, that apparently "all left-handed people are gay") (I seriously read that on the bathroom wall), I realized that I wasn't hearing the sounds one normally hears when going to the bathroom in a crowded bar: a dude arguing on his cell phone with his girlfriend, a dude vomiting into a urinal, and most importantly, the sound of pee hitting water. I'm not sure why I wasn't hearing those first two things, but looking down, I realized that I wasn't hearing the last sound because my undone belt was sticking in front of my dong, and I was peeing on my belt instead of into the toilet. No one saw it, but it was still pretty embarrassing, and I'm actually not sure why I'm writing about it in my blog, because it makes me look like a fucking jackass. Of course, I pretty much always look that way, so what's the dif? That aside, seriously fellas, show of hands: how many of you have done this very same thing? I notice that no one is raising their hands. I'm the only one? WHATEVER.

Saturday night I went out for a fancy birthday dinner at a fancy steak restaurant which was fancy. I wore a nice sweater (that was not fancy), a pee-stained belt, and Vans, because fuck it, it was MY birthday, and nice shoes are for LAMOES. Anyway, as I was being seated at my table, some fuckface in a suit came up to me and told me that, while it wasn't a big deal, "tennis shoes" weren't allowed in the dining room of this particular restaurant. I guess he wanted me to know for future reference or something. My question is: what's the point of having the policy if you're just going to let people break it without any consequence? I mean, it's not like they took a Polaroid of me and hung it behind the cash register or anything, and it's also not like they charged me extra for my steak (this would be known as a "shoe tax"). I mean, I could probably go to this restaurant every night dressed in the exact same outfit and never be thrown out. More importantly, though, was this: while I was sufficiently chastened upon first being told about my shoe-faux-pas, I later realized that I had on some of the least offensive sneakers in the whole restaurant. For example, I saw one kid wearing a pair of garish high top basketball sneakers. Worse than that, I saw a one dude who, I SHIT YOU NOT, was wearing fucking flip-flops. Flip-flops! And I'm the one being chastised by the management? Whatever. It just goes to show you: shoes are for dicks. Not literally, though.

Speaking of birthdays, my mom's birthday is later this week. My mom is a big John Depp fan, so I bought her an autographed Johnny Depp photo off of the Internets, which I am going to frame and give to her. I hope she likes it, because I had to research various Johnny Depp pictures while trying to find the appropriate one to purchase, and on more than one occasion a coworker came to my desk and saw what I was doing. Seriously, do you know what it's like when someone comes up to your desk at work and you're looking at dozens of signed photos of Johnny Depp in full pirate regalia? It's emasculating, to say the least. Maybe if it were him in his 21 Jump Street phase it might be different. The point is: maybe that "all left-handed people are gay" thing that I mentioned earlier is true.