Death to the Porkpie-Hatted!

Alright, everybody calm down: I'm not dead. I've received over 7000 emails, postcards, faxes, strip-o-grams, phone calls, and telekinetic transmissions asking me why I haven't been blogging lately. The short answer: I drank turpentine and forgot how to read (and if you can't read, you can't write) (duh). The long answer: I've been out of the office doing multiple project installs for work and thus haven't been able to render my Internet awesomeness onto the Internet due to my lack of Internet access. Here's me at an exhibit exhibiting how I feel about the lack of Internet time I've been able to exhibit to my face lately:

I think it captures my rage rather nicely, don't you?

So, I happened to be in Chicago last week, and as luck would have it, Mudhoney was playing there. I've been a Mudhoney fan for years, but I've never had the chance to see them. But now I have. Had the chance to see them, that is. Which I did. In Chicago. Try to keep up. Here's the thing: I will admit that I was totally housed at the show, so my judgment might have been a little askew, but still, as far as I could tell, Mudhoney fucking rocked. However, when the band came out for their encore, there was a trio of dudes standing about 5 feet away from me who started heckling them. One of these dudes was completely bald, something that I could tell despite the fact that he had an undersized porkpie hat mashed onto his giganto cranium. At one point, this dude yelled, "You suck live!" to Mudhoney. Then, he proceeded to drink his beer. I guess my point is this: I don't see how a bald guy in a porkpie hat can ridicule anyone about anything. You know? It's like a fart telling someone that they smell bad. Setting aside the questions you might have about the metaphysical implications of anthropomorphic intestinal gas, I think you see what I'm saying.

Something shocking I discovered recently: neither Islamofascism nor Cyborg appear in Microsoft Word's spell check. Is this a coincidence, or is it evidence of something sinister, a chilling collusion between two types of people that hate America? I don't know, but I promise to post more information on this disturbing discovery as it becomes available.