This Blog Entry Might Save America

Well I hope that everyone has had a happy and productive Islamofascism Awareness Week. I know that I have: I've spent most of my time locked in my basement watching Red Dawn on a repeat loop (I'm up to 51 viewings and counting!); sure, my eyes have developed a slight problem with, um, bleeding, but it's been worth it (you know, for the patriotism). For sustenance, I've been eating nothing but American flags, mainly for the fiber, but also because my digestive system is traditionally the least patriotic party of my body. Well, not anymore--my GI tract is coursing with American Awesomeness!

On that note, it's time to unveil a new semi-regular feature here at the blog, Who Aren't We Bombing, and Why the Fuck Not? It's easy to think that all of America's problems are confined to Iran and Iraq and maybe Afghanistan and/or Greenland, but, as we all know, open-ended war demands more and more foes for us to lash out against, like a scorpion of justice blinded by the mace of history. Fortunately, I'm here to make the case for pre-emptive strikes against some lesser known potential foes. This week: Kyrgyzstan. Why aren't we dropping bombs on these ass holes? Consider the evidence against them:

• The largest city in Kyrgyzstan is named Bishkek, which sounds dangerously close to Kirkuk, a city in northern Iraq. Coincidence? Yeah, right. In the high-stakes world of geopolitics, there are no coincidences, for as Henry Kissinger once said, "in the high-stakes world of geopolitics, there are no coincidences."
• The country features an exclave with the name of Barak, which reminds one of Barack Obama, the anti-American communist lesbian who is trying to enslave our country with his paralyzing handsomeness. Are Barack Obama and Kyrgyzstan working together? Well, I haven't seen any evidence that they're not. Have you? I didn't think so.
• Kyrgyzstan has two "y's" in it. You know what other word has two "y's" in it? Neither do I. Why so many Y's, Kyrgyzstan? What are you hiding?
• Kyrgyzstan has two official languages. That's just dumb.
• One of the most important industries in Kyrgyzstan is metallurgy. Metallurgy. Is this the Middle Ages? Is this a game of Dungeons & Dragons? Sorry, but unless you have some real industries (like textiles or porn), you're practically demanding that America drop bombs on you.
• Speaking of D&D: 34.4% of Kyrgyzstan's population is comprised of people under the age of 15. Teenagers are evil. So are terrorists. You do the math.
• Kyrgyzstan has 22,600 km worth of paved roads. This fact is BORING. It's fucking boring. But it would be less boring if it featured explosions.
• One of Kyrgyzstan's top schools is known as International Ataturk-Alatoo University. Wasn't Ataturk-Alatoo one of the bounty hunters sent to kill Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back? Hey, Kyrgyzstan, why are you stealing names from our pop culture? What else would you like to steal from us? Our way of life?

There are more facts that I could list, but I think I've already made a rather compelling case for the bombing of Kyrgyzstan. The threat grows more imminent every day, like a burrito of tension stuck in a microwave of imminence that's set on "high." If we don't act now and utterly destroy Kyrgyzstan, we have no one to blame but ourselves for it not being destroyed already. Think about it.

And now, here's a very diplomatic Boner Batch for all the music and movie fans of the world (except those in Kyrgyzstan):
Song of the Week: Fucked Up -- Two Snakes
Special Super-Song Bonus Because It's Not Really a Song: Blackout Morning, the HI-larious opening sketch from Nick Swardson's new album.
Album of the Week: Behold...The Arctopus -- Non-Nucleonic Cyborg Summoning
Movie of the Week: The 400 Blows
Quote of the Week: "The global business climate is like...whatever, dude." -- Michael Ian Black (Stella)