The Kiss That Almost Was, Then Wasn't
Here's something from my vacation to Portland: I totally blew an opportunity to meet a member of Kiss. I guess it wasn't a huge deal, because I'm not talking about Gene Simmons or anything. Here's what happened because I know you care: our first few nights there were spent on the coast, about an hour outside of Portland. During our drive back Portland for the music festival, we stopped at a truck-stop type place for breakfast. There was hardly anyone in the establishment when we went in--there was a table with two dudes dressed in camo (as we sat next to them, I subsequently overheard most of their conversation and discovered that they were wearing camo because they were apparently hunters, and not because they were, as I had initially hoped, re-enacting various episodes of G.I. Joe in the woods of the Pacific Northwest), and there was a table with three people seated at it. These three people were: a dude, an old lady, and a hot lady. As I was checking out the hot lady when we walked in and sat down, I barely noticed or paid any attention to the dude or the old lady. However, soon after we sat down, the hot lady, the old lady, and the dude got up to leave (unfortunately, the hunter dudes did not leave; as I was sitting next to them, I had to listen to one of them use the phrase "local yokels" approximately 7,000 times--I almost strangled him to death with a pancake, which would have been an exceptionally ironic way for a hunter to die, if you think about it)(don't think about it). But, before they left, the old lady and the hot lady went into the bathroom, and the dude started milling around the cash register area. At that point I looked at him and realized he was a dead-ringer for Tommy Thayer, the guy who replaced Ace Frehley in Kiss in 2003. In hindsight, it clearly had to be him, as there really is no mistaking Tommy Thayer for anyone else: he's tall, he has long hair cut in a certain way, and he knows how to play Parasite on guitar. Does that sound like anyone else you've ever seen? Exactly. But, at the time, I simply thought he looked like Tommy Thayer and left it at that--I mean, why would he be in Oregon? That makes about as much sense as O.J. Simpson being the most notorious man in the world. See what I'm saying? What I'm really saying is that I'm a dumbass: after arriving in Portland, I looked Tommy Thayer up on Wikipedia and discovered that he is indeed from Portland. So, that was definitely him, probably taking his mom out for breakfast or something. Further confirmation came this week, when Kissonline printed this news story. That lady sitting with him is definitely the one that I saw in the restaurant. So, I blew an opportunity to meet a member of Kiss, in a pretty private setting to boot. Oh well. I'm not bummed per se, because he's only been in the band for a few years, and he's the lowest man on the Kiss totem pole. However, I am worried about the implications of this. Because, what if meeting members of Kiss is like developing a character in a MMORPG? I.e., what if the only way to meet to top-tier guys in Kiss is by starting at "Level 0" and leveling up? In that case, I'm screwed. If I had met Tommy Thayer, at the end of our encounter, he probably would have handed me a token or something which I could then have utilized to meet Eric Singer. Similarly, after meeting Mr. Singer, I would have received a token good for a free car wash and a handshake with Bruce Kulick. And on and on. But, I don't even have the level one Kiss meet and greet token, so apparently I can't advance. At this rate, I'll never meet Ace Frehley, I'll never meet Gene Simmons, and I most certainly will never meet Baron Kissdenburg, the evil genius who controls all things Kiss from his highly fortified compound in the Bavarian Alps. Drag.
