The Surveyance of the Long-Distance Runner
1. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
Fuck that. What's messed up, though, is that despite hating on the New Kids, I know all of the steps from Step by Step (Oooh, girl!), and I could recite them all right now if I wanted to, even though I am incapable of, for example, naming every single president that America has had. I guess that's not so much messed up as it is sad.
2.Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
I don't even know what that is. Am I missing out on something? Should I be wearing one right now?
3.The Babysitter's Club or Sweet Valley High?
Um, neither. Alright, Sweet Valley High.
4.Salute Your Shorts or Hey Dude?
Hey dude, I'm saluting my shorts right now!
5.Kids Incorporated or The Mickey Mouse Club?
Kids Incorporated, because it was much edgier. You know, for a kids show.
6.Did you want Dylan to end up w/ Brenda or Kelly?
I wanted Dylan to be assassinated by Colombian drug dealers, and then I wanted these same drug dealers to hunt down Steve, kill him too, and then eat his bones.
7.Who was ALF?
The coolest fucking dude I ever saw.
8.Do you remember the show Dinosaurs?
I remember lots of things, what's it to you?
9.Do/did you know the words to the Fresh Prince theme song?
No, but I do know that Uncle Phil was the voice of Shredder in the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. That's what we call "versatility."
10.Kimmie Gibler or Urkel?
I hate them both with the intensity of a soccer hooligan who's just run out of whiskey. I have no idea what that means. All I'm saying is that they both made me really mad when I was a kid, but as I was in love with D.J. Tanner, I was willing to tolerate Kimmy's existence, so I preferred her to Urkel.
11.Blossom or Clarissa Explains It All?
Blossom all the way, for the reason that I wanted Six to be my girlfriend. PS--Blossom didn't air until the 1990s. I find that if you're going to write a survey about the 80s, it's best to have questions relating to other decades, just so they don't feel left out. I hope the next question is about flappers or cherry phosphates.
12.Did you have a crush on JTT?
I guess this kind of works, as I've always considered Jonathan Taylor Thomas to be the flavored syrup-fountain drink of the acting world. Wait, what? Forget it, let's just answer the question: no, unless by "have a crush on" you mean "want to commit assault with a golf club upon". I assume that's not what you meant. Also, Home Improvement didn't start until the 1990s. LET'S GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE.
13.Bobby Brown or Tevin Campbell?
Can We Talk? It's My Prerogative if I want to watch Every Little Step and go Round and Round while trying to answer this question. Just Tell Me What You Want Me to Do and Don't Be Cruel.
14.Step By Step or Full House?
As should already be clear, Full House. BEST THEME SONG EVER. You know, I was just explaining to someone the other night that I can remember going to eat dinner with my parents on a Friday night, riding in their car listening to Megadeth's So Far, So Good... So What!, and hoping that we would make it home in time for Full House. That's kind of weird, isn't it?
15.Did you listen to Milli Vanilli?
Did anyone ever really listen to Milli Vanilli? I think you see what I'm saying.
16.Mr. Rogers or Reading Rainbow?
I used to love Reading Rainbow. LeVar Burton made books come alive. Too bad he couldn't do the same thing with his career. Zing!
17.Did you own a Glo Worm?
YOU WISH.
18.Paula Abdul: better now or then?
Better at what? Being drunk on TV, or dancing with a rapping cat? If the former, then now, if the latter, then then.
19.Wild 'n' Crazy Kids or Double Dare?
I don't even know what Wild 'n' Crazy Kids is, but that's irrelevant, because I LOVED Double Dare. I used to wish that I had one of their sweet-ass courses in my basement. That would have been awesome. Of course, I would have only gotten to use it twice before my brother would have poured booze on it and set it on fire, but still, those two times would have been awesome.
20.Remember Legends of the Hidden Temple?
I already told you, I remember lots of things.
21.The Mighty Ducks or The Little Giants?
I preferred The Littlest Midget Soccer Team. That movie really was inspiring.
22.Did you watch Saved By The Bell?
Dude, I still watch Saved by the Bell.
23.Who was hotter: Zack or Slater?
Put your hands together, my friend. Seriously though, we all know that Slater was a joke. Not only did Zack have the looks, but he also had the charm, the brains, and the wardrobe. All Slater had was some puny muscles and lo-fi jerry curl. Slater over Zack? AS IF.
24.Camp Nowhere or House Arrest?
Once again, I have no idea what the question is referring to, so I will say: Camp Crystal Lake or House Party? I choose House Party.
25.Did you own a pair of Reebok Pumps?
No, but you know who did? Your mom.
26.Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
I'd rather eat a plate of my own vomit than have anything to do with either of those strumpets.
27.Did you watch Miami Vice?
No, but I did once get into a fight with Edward James Olmos, which is almost the same thing.
28.Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
No, but I feel like The Dude wears jelly shoes for all of us.
29.Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
I owned many, many Trapper Keepers. Honestly, if I could get away with it, I would still use one to organize my shit. Don't you think people at work wouldn't be impressed if I rolled into a meeting and whipped out a TK?
30.Atari or Nintendo?
I sautered mine together and called it Atando. It didn't play any games, but it was pretty cool looking.
31. Where you in love with MENUDO?
You know it!
32. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or She-ra Princess of Power?
I'm going to have to plead ignorance on this one. I think I will play it safe and choose the Muppet Babies. I'm not sure they're analogous to Jem or She-Ra, but I felt they should be included in here.
33. G.I. Joe or Heman?
That's like asking "what's better, big titties or huge titties?" They're both pretty awesome in my book.
34. What was better MicroMachines or Hot Wheels?
MicroMachines. Answering this question brings up bad memories, simply because MicroMachines were in that category of toy that I always thought were super cool, yet I never owned one. Also in this category: Micronauts and nipple clamps.
35. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
I can see this question being very divisive, but for me it's no contest: Sixteen Candles. That movie still RULES. No more yanky my wanky!
36. Did you watch Punky Brewster?
Every time I closed my eyes.
And now, here's the top whatever thing of whatever things that doesn't have a name!:
Song of the Week: Drive Like Jehu -- Luau
Album of the Week: Cloak/Dagger -- We Are
Movie of the Week: I'm not sure what the movie of the week is, but I can definitely tell you what it isn't--Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles. What a piece of crap. And it pains me to say that, because I love Robotech. If you've ever cared about Robotech, don't watch this film, because it's more painful than having someone shove a tennis trophy up your ass as you listen to the latest Sean Kingston single. What's that--you don't care about Robotech or tennis trophies, because you're not a total loser like I am? Well screw you, then.
Quote of the Week: "A body always tells the truth, that's why it's usually depressing and disgusting to look at." -- Ferdinand Bardamu (Louis-Ferdinand Celine)
