Gaseous Enigmas

Why did I do it? Why did I schedule a dentist's appointment for 8 a.m. this morning when I knew, and have known for weeks, that I was going out to a show last night, a show by a band who is friends with my band, and therefore a show that was all but guaranteed to keep me up super late and leave me super loaded? WHY? Because I'm a dumbass, that's why. At this point, I just hope that my dentist doesn't press charges. When I puked into that contraption, I did so because I didn't want to stain the rugs--how was I supposed to know that it was an expensive, meticulously calibrated piece of dental equipment? I'm not a friggin' dental apparatus expert. Is that what I look like? I hope not.

Perhaps I partied so hard last night because I was trying to take the sting off the news that Leona Helmsley has died. It kind of upsets me, because it signals to me the true end of an era. You know, nowadays, the most famous ladies in the world are the Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan-types: they're young, rich, waifish, skanky, and carriers of the Herpes virus. When I was coming of age in the 1980s, however, the most famous ladies in the world weren't vapid sluts with no discernible talents; rather, they were cut-throat, take-no-prisoners battle-axes who dominated everyone around them--they were women like Leona Helmsley, Marge Schott, Imelda Marcos, and Bette Midler. I mean sure, they all carried Herpes too, but they carried it with class. But now those days are truly gone. Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

Speaking of thinking, I wanted to mention this story, which you might have heard by now, about a new tool that allows you to see who's been editing pages on Wikipedia. However, I've been super busy lately and thus not always able to share my fucking awesomely insightful ideas with the interwebs when they're fresh, so, I pasted the link into my notes file to comment on it at a later time. That was all well and good, except that when I saved the link, I explicitly included the word "Cuckoo" with said link. Cuckoo? What the fuck? It's now several days later, and I have no idea what the heck I was trying to originally say. Maybe I was going to make some comment about how the tool has shown that Cap'n Crunch has been logging in and editing Sonny the Cuckoo Bird's page and saying that the liberal media has been over-reporting the amount of people that are actually cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? That seems like something I'd say. Let's go ahead and assume that that was the case. Awesome. I'm glad we cleared this up.

And now, from the too much information department: my farts this morning smell like Mexican food, but I haven't eaten Mexican food in days. So I guess you could say that my farts today are like Ted Koppel's hair: disturbing and intriguing at the same time.