How Much Does Your Package Cost?

I received an email from Nissan Pavilion the other day offering special ticket packages for the upcoming Aerosmith show that is taking place there. In a stroke of cheeky wordplay not seen since the glory days of Nipsy Russell, each package is named after a different Aerosmith album or song. So, the "Eat the Rich" package is the most expensive one, clocking in at a robust $575, and featuring 4 tickets, a premier parking pass, and food vouchers. Following that is the "Night in the Ruts" package, which goes for $124. I don't know what kind of ruts cost $124, but they're surely nicer than the ruts down by the Greyhound station that I'm used to. Lastly, bringing up the rear in a manner that would make Steven Tyler proud is the "Rock in a Hard Place" package, the purchase of which scores you 4 lawn seats for a mere $93. Personally, I wish there were more promotions like this, because I think it really brings the fans of a given band together with the capitalist overlords who exploit them monetarily. I dream of a world in which every ticket has a special name attached to it. As such, I must admit that I'm slightly disappointed that the Nissan Pavilion people only came up with three different package names for the Aerosmith gig. That's just lazy. As I want to be, if not part of the solution, as least not quite as big a part of the problem as I normally am, I've come up with a few more Aerosmith package suggestions. The first one is the "Janie's Got a Gun" package, which retails for $103. Like the "Rock in a Hard Place" package, this one yields 4 lawn tickets. What's the extra $10 for, you ask? I'll tell you: in the spirit of this song's moving message, this package comes with a molestation for one of the 4 lawn ticket-holders! A molestation for $10? Shop around--you can't beat that rate! Legal note: each group of concertgoers is free to choose which member of their entourage gets the molestation, but please, no fat chicks. Next up is the "Dude Looks Like a Lady" package. This is just one ticket for $40, unless you're a tranny--if you are and you buy the "Dude Looks Like a Lady" deal, you get half-off the price. Get it? Half-off? I like this package because (a) it's really cost-efficient and (b) it works on like 7 levels (I'll leave it to you to figure out what those levels are). Wait, what am I saying? Is it possible that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about with regard to the transgendered? Yes, yes it is. Okay, scrap that one. How about this: the "Joe Perry Project" package. This package costs $0, i.e., you get in for free, because you're totally irrelevant and kind of sad and everyone ignores you. ZING! Take that, Joe Perry's ego-driven solo work. Okay, next up we have the "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" package. This costs $130 and includes 2 pavilion seats, a VHS copy of Armageddon, and 2 bullets. What are those for? Why, the assassin who will shoot you in the head at the conclusion of the show for being so lame and embarrassing, of course! I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point: I know too much about Aerosmith. No, wait, the point that I was trying to make was that the only thing better than giving money to wrinkled old men is giving money to wrinkled old men in exchange for something with a fun name. I think it was Adam Smith who first wrote that. He was right then, and he's right now.

About the Type
This entry was set in Trebuchet MS, a typeface designed by the well-known Swedish typographer Ake Ottosson (1939-1819). Trebuchet MS's design is based upon the original letter forms of Jean-Paul Le Douche (a French mental patient who became famous for his mayonnaise paintings in the 18th century) and was created specifically to be used for three sources: Linotype, Monotype, and Blogotype. Ottosson named his typeface for the famous Norwegian scribe Sack De Nut von Trebuchet, who died in 1391 after swallowing an accordion.