Penicillin is the Only Cure for Gutbenberg

Do you think when they made the original Police Academy movie that they knew ahead of time that Michael Winslow was capable of making awesome sound effects with his mouth? Or did he just show up on the set and make some noises and then they totally re-wrote his role to incorporate his mad mouth skills? I'm sure it was the former, but I'd love to think it was the latter. How awesome would it be to show up for your first day at work only to, while inadvertently imitating a machine gun or a helicopter, totally blow everyone's mind to the point that they completely redefined your job to suit your unique skills? I'll answer that question for you: totally awesome. Now that I think about it, it had to be the latter situation because of the sheer skill involved; anyone who knows anything about movies will tell you that in the 1980s, there were only two men who possessed enough talent to alter a film production just by showing up on the set, and serendipitously enough, they were both in Police Academy. I'm of course speaking of Michael Winslow (with his aforementioned sound-effects skills) and Steve Gutenberg (who had a head of hair so strikingly sheen, cinematographers would weep at the sight of his follicles as thoughts of Oscar-worthy lighting schemes danced in their heads). So I guess that first Police Academy was like the 1998 Yankees crammed into my penis, i.e., it was a ton of awesomeness packed into a very small space. Another day, another awesome analogy. GO ME!

Seriously though, what do you think Steve Gutenberg is doing right now? An even better question: when will a mention of Steve Gutenberg confuse younger people because they've never heard of him? Is that time already here? I didn't get the memo. Honestly, who wants to live in a world where mentioning how passe and lame Steve Gutenberg is is considered to be passe and lame? You might as well outlaw ice cream and blowjobs while you're at it.

While I was typing the preceding the paragraph, at one point Gutenberg came out as 'Gutbenberg'. What an awesome word. Let's try to get it into circulation. I'll guess we'll need a definition for it first. It kind of sounds like a foreign beer, but we probably shouldn't use that as a definition, because in this day and age a lot of people know a lot about beer, so if you told someone that your favorite import was Gutbenberg Dark, they'd say that they hadn't heard of it and then try to find it, only to discover that it didn't exist, so they would then beat you to death with a golf club to punish your deceit--and you don't need that, BELIEVE ME. I guess it could be an obscure instrument from Djibouti--it would definitely be fun to take your local indie music store snob down a peg (why stop at one peg? Any number will do, but it's up to you to figure out how many pegs you want to include in your de-pegging activities) by saying something like, "Do you have the latest solo album by Hans Velcro? Oh, you've never heard of him? He played the Gutbenberg on Captain Beefheart's Doc at the Radar Station LP. I'm surprised you didn't know that--I thought this was a music store. Whatevs, it's cool, I guess I'll just go to the Sam Goody at the mall, they might be able to help me." Of course, this might cause your local indie music store snob to blow a hipster-gasket and stab you to death with his horn-rimmed glasses, so we probably shouldn't go with that definition either. I know--it can be an STD. Now, no one wants an STD, I'll admit that, but hear me out: it would be nice to have a made-up STD to use when you wanted to get out of spending time with people that you don't really like. For example, it would be quite nice to beg off of Karaoke night down at the Sizzler with someone that you didn't like by saying, "Dude, I can't go out tonight--I hooked up with this hot lady last week and now I have Gutbenberg on my testicles. The doctor says that I'm contagious for the next 72 hours, so I need to stay home. Have fun singing Huey Lewis' Do You Believe In Love without me, though--I'm sure it won't matter that I'm not there to hit the sweet harmonies. Later!" Yeah, that works. Alright: Gutbenberg = some sort of STD so gross, no one really knows what it is, only that it's a hazard to the public. Use it in good health (ironically, of course).