Everyone Is Stealing My Ideas

Well, by now I'm sure you've heard the hot news: Gobstoppers are better than Jawbreakers. What's that you say--you already knew that? Okay, well how about this: Maroon 5 is going on tour this fall, and the supporting act is going to be...The Hives. I think I speak for everyone here when I say, "WHHAAAA?!" I mean, first of all, seeing The Hives and then having to sit through Maroon 5 is like eating a Maine Lobster that has a Big Mac stuffed inside of it--the awesomeness of the one thing is ruined by the shitty, grade-Z quality of the other. (Ps--that was the BEST ANALOGY EVER.) Furthermore, the sonic disparity between the two bands might cause certain concertgoers to suffer seizures induced by cognitive dissonance, and no one needs that. No one. Honestly, there hasn't been a tour pairing this unlikely since Barry Manilow went out on the road with the Wu-Tang Clan back in 97. I saw a show on that tour--it was awesome. I'm still trying to get the blood stains out of my jeans. Alright, I'm kidding--I sold those jeans on eBay years ago. But still. The bottom line is this: even though I'm am an ardent supporter of The Hives, the only way I would spend money on this show would be if Maroon 5 changed their name to Maroon 5 Alive and (a) gave away free fruit juice beverages to everyone in attendance and (2) allowed Short Circuit's Johnny-5 to play bass. The only thing better than a good idea is two good ideas, that's what I say.

Speaking of two good ideas...

Look, I'm sorry, I know why I'm being so harsh on Maroon 5 (aside, of course, from the fact that they stink). It's because the other night a friend of mine showed me this YouTube video, which is episode 1 of something called 28 Day Slater. Hmmm, '28 Day Slater', what an interesting concept, I wonder where they got that idea? I don't know...could it be from a blog entry that I wrote over four years ago? Nice try, DICKS, but the jig is up. I want some fucking money right now.

As if that outright intellectual thievery weren't enough, how about this conceptual thievery: there's a movie coming out this year called I'm Not There that stars Cate Blanchett and many others as Bob Dylan. Seeing as how the movie is, like, based on facts and shit, there's also a role in it for Allen Ginsberg. Guess who plays Mr. Ginsberg? I'll tell you: David Cross. I know that you just enjoyed that little guessing game, so here's another round: who pointed out over three years ago that David Cross was beginning to bear an extremely close resemblance Allen Ginsberg? If you guessed 'me' (as in me, as in The Kurt and not you talking about yourself in the first person), you are correct! And, if you guessed 'Dick Cheney', you're a schmuck! Why is it that my blog is apparently filled with winner-ideas, and yet no one reads it? Is it because I'm constantly defending the Ice Capades as top-notch entertainment? I can't help it if I love elegance on ice. Whatevs--at any rate, here's a clip from the upcoming Dylan-movie that features Cross as Ginsberg--watch it, and think about ways that I can get a Writer's Guild credit out of this whole thing.