Classic Is As Classic Does

Isn't it about time that Coke removed the word "Classic" from the Coke Classic can and just made it a can of Coke without any reference to classitude whatsoever? It made sense for a while to have "Classic" on the can, because that delicious New Coke was all the rage. But, once that stuff was taken off the market after causing all of those people to spontaneously turn into midgets, it made less sense. Now, it makes zero sense, like that drink, Coke Zero. The Coke people are just being petulant by keeping it on there. Honestly, is there anyone out there that gets confused by Coke products at this point? It's Coke--you drink it, dipshit. End of story. I mean, what's the deal? I'm actually asking that question: Coke, what's the deal?

Those cola peddling fuckwads aren't the only ones who are having naming issues. According to this Washington Post article, schools in my area have stopped naming themselves after famous people from history so as to avoid controversy. Instead, schools are being named after places or, like, concepts. I think this is a shame. A damn shame. It's PC thuggery rum amok, and I don't mean it's a guy beating up another guy with a computer--no, it's much worse than that. My fear is that this trend will (a) continue and (2) spread to other regions in the country, which would mean that some of our more recent icons and heroes won't have the chance to have their names grace institutions of learning. That might not sound bad to you yet, but when you consider how many excellent and deserving people might be denied this special honor, you might reconsider your earlier position based upon this consideration. To illustrate what I'm saying (but not literally--I left my crayons at home), here's a list of school names that could be prevented from ever even existing in the first place other than as an awesome list on this awesome blog. As an added bonus, I've listed in parentheses what these hypothetical bastions of learning might name their athletic teams.

• Richard M. Nixon Primary School (The Tricky Dicks)
• Ann Coulter Secondary School (The Skankbags)
• Scott Baio High School (The Fightin' Chachis)
• Richard Simmons' Polytechnic Academy (The Short-Shorts)
• Tom Arnold's Elementary School and Ice Cream Emporium (The Annoyers)
• Zack Morris Secondary School (The team from the school named after the dude who went to Bayside High that is not to be confused with the actual team from the actual Bayside High from that one show about Bayside High)
• Carl Weathers Military Academy (The Action Jacksons)
• The Barry Manilow Music Academy (The guys and gals who write the songs and then get their asses kicked in football and field hockey)

As you can see, we've got to stem this school-naming tide before it's too late. I don't know where to start, so I'm going to go outside and light a trashcan on fire. I mean, that can't hurt this cause, can it?

Hey, before I do that though, I have some sad news to report. Actually, I'm not so much reporting it as I am re-reporting it. It's this headline, which I read online the other day: 'Militants fire rockets at Lebanese army (AP)'. To put it simply, that is BULLSHIT. I'm not an expert in geopolitics, but I think it's really sad that some sexy ladies got rockets fired at them simply because they was trying to love on each other, you know? If hot, barely legal Lebaneses can't do their thing, what hope do the rest of us have?