Wily Spammers, Even Wilier Zombies

Is it just me, or have spammers taken things up a notch or two or six recently in the cleverness department? It's not just me, is it? Don't answer that. Look, it's one thing for me to receive a spam that's obviously a spam because it has a subject line like "Respond to your loan application" or "p3n1s" (which is, incidentally, what I have on my vanity plate), but it's quite another thing for me to receive a spam which, while from an unknown name, actually appears to be a legitimate communication, because it has a subject line that's actually relevant to me and my life, like "Happy moments with my girl omaha zombie" (because, you know, I love zombies), or "Get confident, stupid" (which is one of my favorite lines from The Simpsons). Those are actual spams that I opened recently because there was a chance that they might have been legit. But, they weren't. Legit, that is. It was your classic spamarooni fakeout, and I fell for it, like Al Gore falling after a ham sandwich that has also fallen off of something (awesome analogy, eh? You know it!). This issue raises the obvious question: are spammers now able to read my mind? If so, do you think that any of them know where my 'Han Solo in his Hoth-outfit' action figure is? I feel like I know where I left it, but I can't remember it, but if spammers can read my mind, they might be able to search in the recesses of my gray matter and, while dodging memorized dialogue from Doogie Howser, M.D. and mental images that I saved from my "accidental" forays into the girls locker room in high school, they might be able to locate the info that I need. I hope so, because I can't find lil' Han anywhere, and I need him for the upcoming "Star Wars vs. Transformers" battle that I'm going to stage in my basement. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be the BEST SATURDAY NIGHT EVER.

I mentioned spammers mentioning zombies in the previous paragraph, which means in this paragraph I'm going to mention myself mentioning my latest idea for a zombie movie. Actually I'm not going to mention myself mentioning the idea, I'm just going to mention the idea. You follow? Good. Taking up where Land of the Dead left off, in this scenario zombies have started walking the earth, except most of these zombies are corpses of legal scholars and lobbyists and they are kind of smart, so they form their own political action committee and storm Congress, demanding that they be able to engage unfettered in unlife, zombie liberty, and the pursuit of brains, threatening to eat everyone in the state of Louisiana unless their demands are met. Following a stirring speech from the House Majority Leader (played by Jeff Goldblum) (hopefully!), there's not a dry-eye in the house, and the Democrat-controlled Congress seems poised to pass legislation that will give zombies equal rights under the law. However, seeing that the bleeding-heart liberals are about to allow America to fall into the hands of dirty, dirty zombies, a shirtless Dick Cheney (played by Dick Cheney himself, unless he's not available, in which case we'll go with Danny DeVito), clad in a pair of black tactical forced entry boots, military fatigue pants (in the "city urban" style), his trademark spectacles, an American-flag do-rag, a bandoleer, and brandishing a NORINCO CQ 5.56mm assault rifle, confronts Zombie William Howard Taft on the floor of the House and unleashes his pro-human Vice Presidential fury in a hail of bullets, roundhouse kicks, and swear-words. This finale will be so blood-drenched and violent, it will make the ending of Dead Alive look like the ending of Reservoir Dogs. Oh wait, that movie ended in a bloodbath too? Never mind. Anyways, I'm only about $7 million away from getting this project off the ground, so if you have any spare change that you'd like to contribute, let me know.