Things To Do Before Doing the Things You Should Do Before You Die

The other day I saw an ad for the Tony Awards with this headline: "Things to do while you're alive." What followed was the MOST STUPIDEST list of anything that I've ever seen in my life (and yes, this even includes the lists of "the top songs that Journey recorded" and "reasons that Scooter Libby should be fully pardoned"). I'll get to the "things to do" list in question in a moment, but first, I have to ask: why did whoever it was that compiled this list intentionally try to make it so exclusive? Things do to while you're alive? What about things to do while you're dead? Don't they give a shit about that? Don't they care about people who are totally bored in the next world? Obviously not. It's just another example of the liberal media and its rabid anti-dead agenda. It makes me sick.

Anywhoozles, remember how I said earlier that I would get to the list itself in a moment? I LIED. PSYCH--that itself was a lie. Don't mind my macho head games--I think I've had a little too much sugar today. The point is, below is the imminently stupid list of "Things to do while you're alive." I've included my thoughts for each item, in case you're having trouble figuring out why each item is stupider than 1,000 Larry the Cable Guy's fighting 7,000 squirrels as 11,000 Paris Hilton's place bets with Monopoly Money on who will win the various fights. (I would just like to point out that I'm aware of how ironical it is to call something stupid and then use the stupidest analogy ever devised when calling out said stupidity. I just wanted to state that for the record.)

See the monarch butterfly migration
Hey, you know what would be more fun than watching a butterfly migration? Locking yourself in a room with a television playing that Britney Spears movie Crossroads on an endless loop and then cutting off your eyelids. Seriously.

Stay at the ICEHOTEL
I've never heard of the Icehotel, but apparently it's a hotel in Sweden made entirely out of ice. Call me crazy, but wasn't Luke Skywalker staying at the Icehotel when he was attacked by that creepy Wampa thing? What kind of list is this? They might as well suggest that we stay at a hotel in Falujah. Thanks for trying to kill us, dicks.

Take a steamboat cruise down the Mississippi
Here's a handy little rule by which I live my life: if Mark Twain stopped doing it, then I don't do it at all. I think you see how this applies here. I think you also see why I'm always clad in an all-white suit. And all this time, you thought I was trying to emulate Colonel Sanders. Joke's on you, buddy!

Drink a Mint Julep at the Kentucky Derby
Great idea--if you're a LUSH. Which I am, so I actually agree with this item.

Train like an astronaut
Are the creators of this list suggesting that before we die, we should all don a wig and a trench coat, strap on a diaper, and drive to Orlando? It seems like they are. That actually sounds kind of fun--if we could combine this item with the Mint Julep one, we might actually have a list worth acting upon.

Visit an active volcano
Why don't I just light myself on fire and get it over with?

Take a week-long spa vacation
A week at a spa? That's a lot of happy endings. I'm pretty sure I would be dangerously dehydrated if I tried that. You know what I'm saying. Anyways, this is, like the Icehotel suggestion, another item in which the desired outcome is clearly to kill us off. I'm starting to feel very threatened by this list.

See California wine country from a hot air balloon
Ah yes, drinking and aviation: that's a winning combination. Seriously, I guess whoever put this list together was really trying to emphasize the idea of doing this stuff right before you die. I don't know where you came from, Tony Awards Ad, but you will rue the day that you tried to murder me with your odious vacation suggestions.

Play Pinehurst No. 2
Golf is for fascists.

Cruise the Pacific Coast Highway in a convertible
And expose myself to UV Rays for an extended period of time? Whatever.

Go heli-skiing
You know, you can't just make up James Bond-like recreational activities and expect people to do them. This item might as well be "ride a dolphin and skeet-shoot at the same time." Heli-skiing. Kiss my ass.

Watch the changing of the guard
Also known as "fall asleep in a public place with your eyes open." NEXT.

Enjoy afternoon tea at Claridge's London
I'm sensing a real W.A.S.P.y slant to this list, and I don't mean Blackie Lawless. So not only is this item incredibly boring, it's also kind of racist, in a "spot of tea" kind of way. And if you don't know what I mean, perhaps YOU are the racist. Ever think of that? Of course you didn't. Classic racist behavior right there.

Go to the Tony Awards
GAY.

Learn how to pair wine and food
DOUBLE-GAY.

Ultimately, I think what offends me so much about this list (aside from, of course, the very real possibility that it's trying to murder me) is that it contains none of the really important things that everyone should do at least once. Does it suggest that you refuse to comply with subpoenas issued by the Senate Judiciary Committee? No. Does it prompt you to fist-fight a gorilla? No way. Does it mention stabbing a cantaloupe with a katana? Not that I can see. Does it point out that holing up in a remote house and repelling a horde of slavering zombies is a shitload of fun (until you get eaten)? I don't think so. Does it bother with listening to Michael Bolton's entire catalogue in reverse to hear all the weird Ayn Rand-inspired messages he hid with backmasking? That's a negative. Does it mention, anywhere, the joys of naked Go Kart racing? Of course not. So not only is the list homicidal, but it's homicidal in a woefully incomplete kind of way. As a protest, I think we should all skip the Tony Awards this year. Wait, the Tony Awards already happened? Mission: Accomplished. Fuck yeah.