The Spice of Awesomeness

Well, I'm sure you've heard the awesome news by now: the Spice Girls are getting back together! I'm wicked psyched (aka "psycked"). Honestly, I haven't gotten news this good since the test results came back negative. Will Sporty, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Scary (and yes, I just listed them in my personal order of preference) still have their trademark spice-alicious spiciness after all these years? All signs point to 'fuck yeah.' How could they not? Don't even bother trying to answer that question. Alright look, I'll be honest, as much as I love (and have always loved) these spiciest of girls, the main reason that I'm psyched for this reunion is for one reason: shitty album relinquishment. Allow me to explain: seven years ago someone who shall remain nameless, knowing that I was a fan of the Spice Girls, gave me a CD copy of their second album, Spiceworld, that he had found on sale somewhere for a dollar. Haha, great; there was just one problem: I've never actually liked the Spice Girls music. Who does? Their songs all sound like the noise that a guinea pig makes when you sit on it. You know what I'm saying. No, in actuality, my love of the Spice Girls has always stemmed from the facts that (a) I enjoy their cheeky antics and (2) I like to imagine them all naked together on their tour bus. In other words, I don't want their fucking albums as part of my CD collection, not even for ironic purposes. Accordingly, since being gifted with Spiceworld, I have tried to trade-in or sell the damn thing numerous times, and no used CD place that I've ever visited has been willing to take it off my hands. At one point, I seriously offered to just give the used CD dude the thing along with a bunch of other albums that I was trading in, and he literally would not take it from me--I guess it would just take up space (or take up spice, as it were) and so he didn't want it as part of his inventory. So, I'm hoping that this Spice Girls reunion will drum up enough marginal interest in the group's back catalogue that I'll be able to unload Spiceworld, even if I only get five cents in return for it, because I'm tired of having that thing in my house. I refuse to even keep it with my other CDs--it currently resides in the downstairs bathroom cabinet, nestled between some old metal magazines and the plastic bags that I use when I clean out Casper's litter box (if you can think of a more appropriate place to store the album, I'd love to hear about it). I know I could just throw the album in the trash, but that would be admitting defeat, and at this point, I refuse to do that--I'm sure there's a metaphor in here somewhere for our involvement in Iraq, but I'm not smart enough to articulate it. So, let's all keep our fingers crossed that I'll be able to get rid of Spiceworld once and for all. And also that the Spice Girls stop by D.C. on their tour and make me an honorary member of their group, at least for a few minutes, so that just once, I can be referred to as 'Boner Spice'.

Speaking of awesome bands (!), I need to take a moment for some utterly shameless self-promotion and post a link to this, which is a little profile and interview with the band that I bash the drums in. As far as I know the only other time in my life that I've been interviewed was for someone's video expose on the lunches in our school cafeteria when I was in high school (seriously), so I guess I need to advertise stuff like this when it happens. Ultimately, I'm just glad that the interviewer didn't transcribe all the times that I farted during the interview.

Aside from that, the other big news where I live are the weird-ass traffic abuser fees that are being implemented starting this Sunday. Essentially, traffic offenses "committed by habitually bad drivers" will have extra surcharges added to them to finance various area road improvement projects. What's weird to me about this are some of the offenses that have fees attached to them. Sure, the usual suspects such as a learner's permit violation and operating a school bus without a license are fineable offenses, but some of the other ones are downright bizarre. Using a dildo while a operating a motorcycle--what's wrong with that? Pissing into an empty Gatorade bottle because you're so jacked up on methamphetamine that you don't want to pull off at a rest stop--where's the harm? Outfitting your car with swords and pikes and flamethrowers so as to make it super cool like the vehicles in that movie Road Warrior--isn't that at worse a victimless crime? I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point. Ultimately, these silly traffic abuser fees underscore the truth of that old adage: government is stupid.