The Glue of Evil

I was at a "rock show" the other night--one that was taking place at an outdoor venue. If you've ever been to a show at an outdoor venue, you probably know that the bathrooms in such places tend to be quite funky ("funky" as in "nauseously nasty", not as in "PFunk"--I wouldn't want you to think that I'm comparing the oeuvre of George Clinton to a toilet). In this sense, outdoor venue bathrooms are kind of like swimming pool bathrooms ("swimming pool bathrooms" as in "bathroom facilities at the swimming pool", not as in "going to the bathroom in the swimming pool"--I wouldn't want you to think that I'm advocating peeing in the pool) (even though I kind of am). I'm not sure why these types of places typically have nasty bathrooms--I mean, they're both more or less "outside"--shouldn't they be less funky and smelly and nasty and gross and resembling of a third-world prison than normal bathrooms? I guess not. Anyways, while using the aforementioned outdoor venue bathroom at the aforementioned rock show, I spied what has to be one of the grossest things that I've ever seen in my life. My words can't do this gross thing justice (mainly because I don't know how to read or write--I've been randomly mashing my keyboard and posting the results online for the entire history of this blog), so allow me to post a picture of this nastiness that I captured with my phone's camera. Check it out:

Granted, this picture isn't visually nasty--it's just a giganto wad of toilet paper. But, conceptually, it captures something that I think is NASTIER THAN ROSIE O'DONNELL BEING PUKED ON BY A C.H.U.D. Just think about what this picture shows: a giganto wad of toilet paper affixed to the wall of a stall in such a fashion that, contrary to every known physical law, it isn't going anywhere--it's not moving in the slightest, nor does it appear to be ready to fall any time soon. Seriously, I once visited Mount Rushmore, and Teddy Roosevelt's big, rough ridin' granite head seemed more malleable than this wad of toilet paper. Yuck! I guess my question at this point is: what incredibly strong adhesive was used to affix this toilet paper to the wall? Any guesses? Was it a bodily fluid, or something more sinister? It's probably best not to even think about this.

I don't know about you, but I think I need to see another picture so as to cleanse my mental palate. How about this one that my friend Seth sent me a while ago:

Oh kitty dressed like a duck, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you're easily cuter than 1,000 Keshia Knight Pulliams (circa 1985) shitting out 1,000 baby pandas. It's true.

I'll tell you what: that cat being dressed like a duck reminds me of Aflac which reminds me of insurance which reminds me of money which reminds me of my 401K. As you may recall, in a recent entry I discussed the awesomeness of the finance man who came to my office to discuss my company's 401K plan. Specifically, I commented about how awesome it was that this guy was wearing a shirt that featured monogrammed cuffs; as I put it at the time, "I'd much rather receive financial advice from someone wearing monogrammed cuffs than I would from a dude in shorts and a t-shirt with a taco sauce stain on it (and yes, I'm referring to my former accountant here)." Well, SCREW THAT--it turns out that this guy was full of beans. You see, since that meeting, I've been trying to set up my 401K plan, and I've discovered something shocking: while I am free to invest my money in various funds that own bonds and stocks in things like Internet companies and gas companies, not one of the funds that I have an option to invest in owns any stock in Diversified Evil (666 on the NYSE). What a load of SHIT. I mean, I'm investing with the sole purpose of magically making my money even more monified than it already is. What better return-on-the-dollar investment is there than Diversified Evil? I'd like to know.

And now, not only is it soapbox time, it's also time for the greatest segue ever: speaking of Diversified Evil, I know that no one out there needs reading suggestions from me, but I just wanted to note that today is the release date of Glenn Greenwald's latest book, A Tragic Legacy: How a Good vs. Evil Mentality Destroyed the Bush Presidency. To put it simply, Glenn Greenwald is THE MAN. I won't blather on anymore, I'll just say that if you have a few spare ducats laying around, buy this book, and maybe the major media outlets will take notice and put Glenn Greenwald on TV instead of Ann Coulter. Alright, enough soapbox time--let's party!