Just What You Were Waiting for: An Extra-Long Entry!

And now, I want to take a moment to pose a very observational-stand-up-comedy-type-question: hey, what's the deal with ladies pushing around their kids in strollers in the street when there's a perfectly good sidewalk not but 2 feet away? Do you know what I'm talking about, people? It seems that lately when I'm out driving, cruising with my shirt off, blasting Foghat, drinking a Slurpee, more and more often I'm seeing ladies pushing around their children in strollers in the street instead of using the much safer option of pushing around their children in strollers on the sidewalk. Perhaps this is because strollers these days appear to be following a development path similar to that of the SUV, i.e. they seem to be getting bigger, more unwieldy, and more unstable all the time, and as such, they no longer fit on the average sidewalk. Perhaps. I saw a stroller the other day that was almost as big as my fucking car--really the only difference between the stroller and my car was the Motorhead sticker on the back (of the stroller--I would never put a sticker on my car). Anyways, back to the point: what's the additional dealy-deal with these formerly knocked-up, street-cruising stroller-jockeys giving me the stink-eye when I have the "nerve" to cruise past them in my vehicle at any speed greater than .5 miles per hour? I mean, if they don't want to deal with the threat of cars in the first place, why not get out of the street? Logic, baby: it's what's for dinner. Maybe this is all a front--maybe these ladies are pushing around their offspring in the street because in an unconscious, Freudian-type of way, they want me to run over their kids so that they can go back to living free and easy and cleaning up their own poo instead of someone else's, but they can't just come out and admit that to themselves or others for legal reasons, so they have to glare at me when I drive by, even though they secretly wish I would turn their frown upside down by running over their kids. I'm no psychosciengist, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly what's happening.

Incidentally, I'm not trying to single out the ladies with the aforementioned stroller ranting, I'm not generalizing that all ladies are like this, I'm just saying that lately it's only ladies that I've been encountering pushing around strollers in the street; for some reason, it seems like whenever I saw a man out for a walk with a kid, there isn't a stroller at all--rather, the kid is strapped into one of those crazy Kevlar baby harnesses. I wonder why this is? Maybe because it makes dads feel like they're doing something thrilling like a tandem skydive instead of what they're actually doing, which is walking around with a baby strapped to their ever-expanding gut? Again: perhaps.

Okay, enough blog foreplay, let's get to the heavy shit: the big news from last week that I was not able to cover here because I wasn't bloggerizing was the revelation that the U.S. Military (also known as "Uncle Sam's Killbot Brigade"), in the mid-1990's, requested funding for a "gay bomb" to use against our nation's enemies. Gay bomb? I haven't heard about one of those since Elton John got booed off the stage at Live Aid. I kid! Seriously folks, the U.S. Military was apparently trying to obtain 7-figures-worth of funding to develop a bomb that, when detonated, would cause enemy troops to spontaneously turn gay and then have uncontrollable sex with each other, thereby allowing our non-gay troops to swoop in and kick some ass (if the asses were exposed enough at that point to be kicked. HIYO! I think you see what I'm saying here.) Is this the stupidest thing ever devised in the history of mankind? Let me unrhetoricize that rhetorical question by answering it: Yes. Yes it is. Look, I'm all for our military coming up with fucking crazy-ass weirdo weapons, for the simple reason that all the good technology we have access to as consumers was filtered down to us from the military (e.g., the iPod, which was originally a device used by the Army to torture enemy detainees by forcing them to listen to Sha Na Na on an endless loop) (as a quick aside, let me ask: do you think anyone ever had a favorite member of Sha Na Na other that Bowser?). But, shouldn't the military focus on developing technology that is actually, you know, possible? The fundamental assumption of this gay bomb is just totally ludicrous--you can't just "turn people gay." The Village People taught us that. Honestly, the military might as well try to come up with a laser-ray that if it hits you, it causes one of your internal organs to turn into a very-hungry cannibalistic midget that proceeds to eat you alive from the inside-out. That's about as plausible as a homo-nuclear device. BLARGH! Look, I'll admit it: my frustration over all of this is simply due to the fact that I wish the military would get off of their asses and invent time travel and/or teleportation already. Enough is enough.

You know what else enough is enough of? Enough of the enoughness of not having a FostTen, that's what's enough: Swiz--Mge, Across Tundras--Western Wind, Hot Snakes--Automatic Midnight, Hot Snakes--Braintrust, Breather Resist--An Insomniac's Complexion, Breather Resist--Long Nights, Short Fuses, Mission of Burma--Red, Hot Cross--4A_030401, City of Caterpillar--So When Was the Last Time We Painted Over the Blood on the Walls, Superdrag--Sucked Out.
Song of the Week: Hot Snakes -- Braintrust
Album of the Week: Hot Cross -- A New Set of Lungs
Movie of the Week: Grindhouse
Quote of the Week: "If I had to choose a text to justify myself, I should choose the line from Milton: By the known rules of ancient liberty. The word ancient emphasizes the fact that intellectual freedom is a deep-rooted tradition without which our characteristic western culture could only doubtfully exist. From that tradition many of our intellectuals are visibly turning away. They have accepted the principle that a book should be published or suppressed, praised or damned, not on its merits but according to political expediency." -- George Orwell