Shitting Outside the Box

This morning on the radio I heard about a local program that is trying to convince people to use public transportation to get around instead of their own cars/vehicles/motorcycles/hovercrafts this summer. The name of this program: "Dump the Pump." While that is certainly a striking, catchy name, I'm considering a lawsuit, because it bears a close resemblance to the name I used for a program a few years ago, "Take a Dump on the Pump." I'm still waiting to hear back from my lawyer as to whether or not I have a case. Litigation aside, ultimately I wish the "Dump the Pump" people luck, and I hope their campaign goes better than mine did--in hindsight, trying to convince people that they were better off having bowel movements on gas pumps instead of in toilets was an ill-conceived project at best. The nozzle, the fumes, the methane--it was just a bad combination of elements, and I'm sorry to all the people out there who have third degree burns on their asses because of me. But hey, at least I'm out there, trying to help people realize that they don't have to shit the way that they were originally taught to shit. What are YOU doing to change the world?

While we're being saucy and ribald, it's time to return to one of the motifs that has made this blog the Internet's 123902183902183902183091238012931274963248973142nd most popular web site: spam! I received one the other day that bore a subject line asking one simple question: "Do you want your dick be even more attractive than your face?" Hmmm. Do I want a dick, my dick, to be even more attractive than my face? You know, I've never been asked that question before. Like, ever. I honestly don't know the answer. First and foremost, I do appreciate the phrasing of the question, because it seems to imply that my face is already attractive. Thanks, spam--whenever I'm feeling insecure about my physical attributes, you're right there to boost my confidence and self esteem. But, back to issue at hand: penis vs. face, no survivors. Ultimately, I think that I don't want my dick to be more attractive than my face. Why? Simple: let's say I meet a girl, and I like her, and she likes me, and then, after negotiating a price that both parties deem to be fair, she takes my pants off, only to then discover that my schlong is even more handsome than my face. Then, she'll always be nagging me to wear jeans on my head when we go out so that people look at my lovely wiener when they talk to me, and then I have to worry about exposing it to sunlight or to the cold, and I have to buy all of these little scarves and hats and stuff for it, er, um...I mean, not little, but massively HUGE scarves and hats, and I just don't have the cash to spend on stuff like that. But, thanks spam, for a thought-provoking question. In a world of uncertainty and confusion, at least I now know where I stand on this "face/penis attractiveness" issue.