Welcome to the Future, Buddy
06.04.07
I'd like to ask a serious question at this point: what's the deal with everyone making their profiles private on MySpace? How the hell am I supposed to look at pictures of girls that I don't know if everything is private? Isn't that defeating the whole point of MySpace in the first place? Hey, privacy lovers: WHAT THE SHIT?
I'm sure you've heard by now about a Polish man who recently awoke from a coma that he entered in 1988; upon awakening, he was shocked to learn that Poland was no longer under the sexy, sexy thumb of communist rule. While that is certainly true, it saddens me to learn that the media is vastly underreporting this story. The man was indeed shocked about the dissolution of the Soviet Union, but he was even more shocked (or even less unshocked, if you want to think about it that way), to learn, among other things, that:- Fine Young Cannibals are no longer popular
- Roseanne is still fat
- Tony Micelli and Angela Bower never did hook up
- Crocodile Dundee II did not win the Best Picture Oscar for 1988
- She's the Sheriff is no longer in syndication
- VHS is dead, but it wasn't defeated by Betamax
- Alf was murdered by anti-fur activists in 1997
- Geraldo Rivera is somehow still an employed journalist
- Billy Joel cheated on Christie Brinkley, and not the other way around
- Jams and/or Vision Street Wear are no long fashionable
- Keith Richards is still standing
- Soccer remains a really boring game
- The world has yet to find an answer to that most puzzling of questions, "Where's the beef?"
You know what? I kind of wish that I hadn't compiled this list, as I'm kind of bummed out now. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could have saved Alf from the hail of machine gun bullets that took his life. All that was left was a little clump of brown hair and the cat tail that Alf was snacking on when the activists mistook him for a man in a fur coat. I'm sorry, I'm getting all choked up. I have to go now.
