The Double-Middle-Finger-Maneuver and What It Can Do for You
06.01.07
It is with great pride that I report to you that the other day I executed what was undoubtedly one of the greatest feats of road rage in my entire driving career. It occurred at a 4-way stop, after I had pulled up to a stop sign and come to a complete stop. As I proceeded to proceed in a processional-like way through the intersection, this guy pulled up to the stop sign to my left, tapped his breaks, and then began to also traverse the intersection. Realizing that this douche-bag was not heeding the stop sign, and not wanting my car to have even more smashes on it than it already does, I then stopped my car. However, this dude then stopped his car as well. After a second or two of me sitting there, trying to figure out what this guy was going to do, the girl behind me honked her horn at me. To recap: the guy on my left inhibited my progress and then sat there like an idiot, and then the girl behind me honked at me as if it were my fault that everyone was being held up. So, to deal with this, I hit the gas and then I pulled off the ultra-rare Double-Middle-Finger-Maneuver. That's right--I stuck my left middle-finger out the driver's side window to tell the stopped-non-stopping douche-bag that he sucked, and I pointed my right middle-finger out the rear window to tell the honky girl that she was simultaneously sucking as well (note: I don't mean "honky" in the racial sense, but in the car-horn sense). This might be hard to visualize, so below is a handy diagram showing which directions the middle-fingers were going in relation to my car.
Make sense? Good. I should probably mention at this point that that diagram isn't exactly my car, but it's pretty close--while that is indeed the body design of my vehicle, mine doesn't have a number '23' on the front; rather, it has a '69' on it. I'm totally serious--that's the number that was assigned to my car by the DMV. I'm not using '69' in some sophomoric way and/or to get a cheap, obvious laugh. Anyways, ultimately, I don't recommend that you whip this double-middle-finger-maneuver out very often, as it's (a) difficult to execute without injuring your shoulders, and (b) highly dangerous, as it involves taking both hands off the steering wheel. That being said, in the right situation, it's immensely satisfying. So, the next time two people act like bastards towards you in traffic, flip them both middle-fingers, and tell them that Kurt sent you.
