Cola World War III

We had a presentation at work today about our 401K plan. For those of you who don't know, 401K is the sequel to that game Warhammer40K (awesome, awesome game), the main difference between the two being that in the 401K, you do battle with mutual funds instead of more traditional weapons. Anyways, the guy who was giving the presentation was wearing a very expensive suit, which wasn't surprising, because that's what financial-type people do: they wear expensive suits. No, what blew my mind about the whole thing was that this guy had his initials monogrammed onto the cuffs of his dress shirt. Monogrammed cuffs! Is there a clearer way to signal to people that you wipe your ass with hundred-dollar bills than by having monogrammed shirt cuffs? Short of walking around wearing a solid-gold toupee, I don't think so. Good for that guy--it's got to help him in his line of work. I'd much rather receive financial advice from someone wearing monogrammed cuffs than I would from a dude in shorts and a t-shirt with a taco sauce stain on it (and yes, I'm referring to my former accountant here). The question is: if this guy was rich enough to have monogrammed cuffs, why was he also not wearing cuff links? I suppose an argument could be made that cuff links weigh you down when you're trying to make a presentation, but that's a small price to pay to look even better than you already previously looked. Honestly, after the shock I felt from the dude's cuffs, I was a little disappointed that he wasn't wearing diamond cuff links that were spraying out doubloons all over the room--you know, just for effect. I guess the lesson is that no matter how much someone impresses me, they usually depress me just a little bit more. Everyone sucks! There, I said it. I feel better.

On an unrelated note: it's bad enough that when I buy tickets from Fandango, they then send me an email asking me what I thought of the movie that I just saw. What's really lame is that then, a few days later, they send me an email telling me that it's my "last chance" to rate the movie that I saw. Oh really? It's my last chance to help you conduct free market research? If I don't act right now, the opportunity to rate the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie will be irretrievably gone? Really? I'm worried that I'm going to lose sleep over this--please, Fandango, please say that the opportunity to rate movies isn't going to vanish! PLEASE! Am I wrong to be pissed about this? I don't think so.

I'll tell you what we should all be pissed about: losing our inalienable cola rights. Having access to delicious cola is one of our fundamental rights as Americans (I'm pretty sure it's somewhere, close to the back, of the Declaration of Constitutions, written, as we all know, by Thomas Washington Adams in 1875, when America seceded from Canada and outlawed Mexico). And yet, our cola rights are being threatened even as I type these very inspiring, awesome, and sexy words. You see, yesterday, during a press conference, the Sudanese ambassador to the U.S., John Ukec Lueth Ukec (that name sounds totally made up), while denying that genocide is occurring in Darfur, said that in response to President Bush's recently imposed sanctions on Sudan, the country might have to cut off shipments of gum arabic to the rest of the world. Gum arabic, apparently, is used to make Coke and other cola products. So, Sudan might take away what may very well be the key ingredient in cola, and there's nothing that any of us can do about it? What a load of shit. It's bad enough that gas is so expensive these days--now I have to worry about my delicious cola becoming prohibitively expensive too? We, as citizens of what is at least the 192038th greatest country in the history of America, cannot sit idly by and let this happen. We need to show Sudan who's boss (us, as in "us", as in the "United States"); the best way to do this is with force--I say we bomb Madagascar until there ain't no Madagascar left. This will show Sudan that we have the military might to do whatever we want when it comes to beverages, and it will pay back the Madagascaranians for all the shit they've talked about us over the years. Are you with me? Of course you are. Write to your Congressman today and send the message: Sudon't even try to take away our cola, Sudan.