Influencer All Over Your Face

If you have the time, I think you should watch this amazing, shocking, and shockingly amazing expose of Emo. That's right--it's a news channel's look at the disturbing emo trend that is sweeping the nation. You know, emo--that hot new trend that's existed in one form or another for like twenty fucking years or so. I'm glad the media is (a) on top of the situation and more importantly (2) covering the really, really, REALLY important issues facing our country. My question is, who is hated more: emo kids or werewolves? You'd think it would be werewolves, what with their love of eating humans, but I'm pretty sure that emo kids are more despised. And emo kids who are also werewolves? Don't even get me started on how much they're hated. It's, like, a lot. Maybe Stephen King should write a book about that.

And now, I would like to take a moment, if I could, to salute one of the true innovators of language in our society, Mr. Rahm Emanuel. I was reading an article reviewing a book about the Democratic Congressman when I came across this passage: "'Fuck is one of the most versatile words in English, but he [Rahm Emanuel] seems to have discovered new grammatical and linguistic uses for it. Washington is "Fucknutsville." A Republican congressman is a 'knucklefuck.'" I mean, wow. I consider myself to be an accomplished swearer, and even I have never thought to use a word like 'knucklefuck.' I don't even really know what it means, but I LOVE IT. I might just see if I can go the whole weekend uttering nothing but the word knucklefuck. More importantly, if I ever become the founder of a town, I'm going to name it Knucklefuck Junction in honor of this awesome, awesome word.

I was on MySpace yesterday, trolling for so-called "emo kids" (you know, the ones referenced in the aforementioned stirring news report) that I could taunt and compare unfavorably to werewolves, when I noticed that Steven Wright, a comedian I admire, was featured in the MySpace comedy section. At first, I was excited. Then, I was a little gassy. Then, I was excited and gassy. Then, however, I became depressed, because I read the description that accompanied Steven Wright's appearance in the MySpace comedy section. It read: "He is one of the great joke tellers of today. Some of his favorite artists and influencers are Kenny Rogerson (Comedy), Ruth Gerson (Music), Kurt Vonnegut (Author), David Lynch (Film) and Salvador Dali (Art). Learn more about Steven Wright in MySpace Comedy." I mean seriously, who the fuck wrote that, a 10-year old? First of all, saying that Steven Wright is "one of the great joke tellers of today" is bush-league--it sounds like the concluding line of a fourth grader's book report. I mean that in a bad way, FYI. Secondly, I don't know what an influencer is in this context, but I want NO part of it. It just sounds sinister. Thirdly, why are the job titles of the so-called influencers so inconsistent? If Kenny Rogerson and David Lynch are listed by their mediums, why isn't Kurt Vonnegut listed as "Book?" It's times like this that I really hate MySpace. However, then I usually remember that MySpace is filled with hot ladies, and I love it all over again.

And now, here's everyone's favorite influencer, the FostTen: Brainiac--Mr. Fingers, Isis--The Minus Times, Sunn O)))/Boris--Akuma No Kuma, Egg Hunt--Me and You, The Fucking Champs--A Forgotten Chapter in the History of Ideas, Don Caballero--Cold Knees (In April), Slint--Pat, Melt Banana--Shield for Your Eyes, A Beast in the Well on Your Hand, Clutch--Child of the City, Clutch--Electric Worry.
Song of the Week: Clutch -- Electric Worry
Album of the Week: Mammatus -- The Coast Explodes
Movie of the Week: The Good Shepherd
Quote of the Week: "Yeah, superhero with a fork and spoon / Train like X-Men in the danger room / Like a pirate, lower epicurean booms / Quicker than soon, bring masticating doom." -- Eric "Badlands" Booker (Professional competitive eater; holder of world championships in Onion, Cannoli, Burrito, Corned Beef Hash, Candy Bar, Apple Dumpling, Matzo Ball, and Cheesecake eating.)