Cock-Block the Vote

I've been hearing a lot of comments lately on the news from voters who are supporting [insert candidate's name here] [seriously--do it] because they see something of themselves in said candidate, i.e. they can "relate" to him/her because they're similar. Am I the only one who would never vote for a candidate just like him/herself? I probably am, aren't I? My reasoning for this is simple: isn't the point of presidential elections to find qualified, responsible people who can, you know...get shit done? Electing someone like me would be the worst possible thing for America. Well actually, the worst possible thing for America would be if Steven Cojocaru, after being exposed to nuclear radiation, mutated into a homicidal 50-foot giant with laser breath and then wandered the countryside, crushing, burning and criticizing the fashion sense of everything in his path. But this "electing someone like me" thing is a close second. Let me illustrate my point: on Saturday, as I was leaving my house in a completely sober and unimpaired frame of mind, I somehow fell straight off of my front porch, passed through a nearby bush, and landed on a nice, cushiony slab of concrete, totally fucking up my right ankle in the process: while I apparently didn't break my ankle, it has since swelled to the point that it looks like I stuffed a baseball into my sock, and I don't mean that in a good way. I now have to walk up steps sideways because I can't move my right foot up or down. Seriously. So, what I'm saying is: does that sound like someone that we want to have running the country? Of course not--it would be a horrible idea. Can you imagine the president not being available for something crucial like the White House Egg Roll because he tripped on a rug in the Oval Office and gave himself a concussion? It's too horrible to contemplate. So, in addition to declaring that people who say that they want to vote for people like themselves have great self-esteem (must be nice), I am also declaring that if either party ever nominates a klutzy, pale misanthrope with bad credit who borrows DVDs from his friends only to never, ever bother to watch them, I most definitely will not vote for him (no matter how tempting it is), for the good of you, my fellow citizens. You can think me by mailing me a DVD from your personal collection which I will then use as a dust-gathering device in my basement. Awesome.

I read this on Yahoo News recently: "Mythical, rare giant turtle - A mythical creature thought to be extinct in the wild is found in a lake in Vietnam." Is it just me, or does it seem like the editors at Yahoo News have committed ritual suicide, leaving their reporters to fend for themselves? What other plausible explanation could there be for such a headline/lede combo? If we're talking about a creature that existed but was thought to have gone extinct, how can we also be talking about a mythical creature? Here's the definition of 'mythical': 1. Of or existing in myth 2. Imaginary; fictitious. Do you see what I'm saying here? Yahoo is dumb, that's what I'm saying.

I also read this recently: "Presale: Crue Fest starring Motley Crue". I don't know about you, but this statement blows my mind. BLOWS IT. Seriously, what are the odds that Motley Crue would be starring in Crue Fest? Like a billion to one? Congrats, Motley Crue--you've fucking earned it.