War and Peace?

I saw an ad the other day on the Internets for something called 'magazines.com'. I assume this is a web site through which one can buy magazines, but then again, what do I know? Anyways, the ad that I saw said "Subscribe to broader horizons", and then, it displayed copies of People and Sports Illustrated. That's how I'm supposed to broaden my horizons, by reading gossip about celebrity tits and stuffy, perpetually out-of-date accounts of football games written by crotchety old men? Seriously? That's like telling your uptight significant other that s/he should loosen up by fucking an entire motorcycle gang. Literally: it's exactly the same thing. Speaking of which, if anyone is looking for something to do this weekend let me know--my motorcycle gang (Steal Dildos) (that's right--steal, not steel--it's a play on words because we're outlaw bikers) (most of the guys in my gang were English majors) are looking for something to do, so if anyone wants to get gang banged (literally) (see, there's that English-major-magic) let me know.

The big news from my recent past: I finished reading War and Peace. Every year I tell myself, "this year I'm reading War and Peace", and then as the year goes on I inevitably get bogged down in issues of TV Guide, the occasional Tom Clancy novel, and several of those books where you get to choose what happens next, and before you know it, another year has gone by, Tolstoy's 1812 epic still unread. Well, this year I grabbed the bull by the tits and I said "Listen, you hermaphroditic bovine: now we're doing shit my way." Bingo bango, here we are: with a fully-read Tolstoy novel in our hands. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there: just because you've been putting off shit for, like, a long time, it doesn't mean that you can't, maybe, not continue to put it off. That's a beautiful thought.

Since I achieved that goal, my new goal is to be able to actually answer some of the questions asked in this survey. This so-called "Music Intelligence Quiz", which asks questions like What was the inspiration for Coldplay's "Yellow"? instead of asking important music questions like Isn't the drum work in Ace Frehley's Rip It Out wicked-awesome? or Jeff Lynne looked cooler in gigantic sunglasses than Ian Hunter did, right? (the multiple answer choices for both of these questions being "yes", "heck yes", "double heck yes", and "hella yes" (because hella yes = triple heck yes)). Frankly, if that's not the type of "music intelligence" people are looking for, they're WASTING THEIR TIME. Yes.

This story is pretty awesome, as it details a magical new ray gun that the Pentagon has developed. Why is it awesome? I'll tell you why: because if we now have the technology to create a ray gun, that means we're inching ever closer to the time when we'll have (a) flying cars and (b) holodecks which I can then use to have sex with celebrities. Vive la modern world!