Super Jumbo Awesome Move Edition!
1. For argument's sake, let us assume that There Will Be Blood wins the Best Picture Oscar on Sunday. If you're a news agency, which headline do you go with: "There Will Be Oscars", or the slightly more conceptual "No Oscars for Old Men"? The former would make sense, but the latter is more delicious, seeing as how it's a pun on the presumptive favorite losing. Either way, one thing's for sure: it's a travesty that Who's Your Caddy wasn't nominated for any major awards.
2. If you head here on Saturday night, you can watch a live webcast from the red carpet of the Spirit Awards! See how many different independent actresses you can jerk off to before your mom needs to use the Internet to pay the electric bill!
3. This page is rather neat--you can fill it out and use it to generate your Oscar acceptance speech. Conceptually it's kind of like Mad Libs, except that the Internets are involved and it doesn't ask for any nouns (thus making it hard to work in classic Mad Libs words like "poop", "pee", and "double-poop"). Here's how my speech turned out:
Wow. Oh boy. I wasn't going to prepare a speech, but my adopted stepson Bobo told me I'd jinx myself if I didn't. So, thanks, Mr. Delicious! [Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.] I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank the distended, super short, blue haired actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor. I'd like to thank my manager, Shlomo, my agent, Kevin, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at New Line, Harvey Weinstein, Bruce, and Dr. Peckerwood. I'd also like to thank my parents, who supported me through the time I was attacked by scorpions. And Pauly Shore, my one ... true ... love [gaze into audience]. Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Mel Brooks, a truly mellifluous visionary and hella awesome soul. [Begin tearing.] I'd like us to take a moment to ... No! BOOYAH!! Don't start playing that music, I have 23 more people to go! My editor Skip Bickleman, my accountant Tom "The Human Calculator" Dershman, my lawyer Lance T. Pennybottom, and my personal assistant Assist-O-Bot 5000, Josh at Manticore Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, super-deluxe abortions was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of dirty immigrants stealing our jobs, this is for you! Thank ...[Music swells.]
I feel like If I were to write an Oscar speech, that's exactly how it would turn out. The computers: they know us better than we already knew ourselves previously.
