Homeboys in Gene Simmons' Dong

I invented a new concept this weekend. I call it the 'Afrodian Slip.' This is what it is: an error in hair styling that is caused by the unconscious mind. For example, if you're a member of a motorcycle gang, but you keep getting a man-perm, your subconscious is telling you that you'd much rather be a porn actor than a rough ridin' outlaw (well, you might still be doing rough ridin', but in a different context). Or, if you're an investment banker, but you have a mullet, deep down inside you'd much rather be standing in the CVS parking lot, cranking Whitesnake on your Camaro's stereo while you pound Natty Bo's instead of buying and selling products for rich people. You see how this works? Of course you do. Play 'Spot the Afrodian Slip' with your friends! It's good clean fun.

Well the world of Kiss fandom is all aflutter today over the news of a Gene Simmons sex video that has apparently been leaked. Knowledge of the video has plunged me into a maelstrom of doubt, as I ponder that most basic of philosophical questions: do I really want to see the bass player in my favorite band banging some random skank? I've given this matter some thought, and I think my answer is: I'd rather remove my own eyeballs with a melon baller than see Gene Simmons' wiener, with or without makeup.

I have to admit: I have a problem with EW's list of the "20 Most Appalling TV Shows Ever". Sure, there are some real pieces of garbage in there (e.g. Keeping Up With the Kardashians, My Super Sweet 16, and The Littlest Groom). But the thing is, every show on the list is a reality show. Are they trying to tell us that reality shows are, by definition, the worst shows on TV? I beg to differ. Remember the atrocity that was The Heights? What about Earth 2? And do I even need to mention Homeboys in Outer Space? Train wrecks, all of them. I think they deserve consideration alongside fare such as The Swan. All of that being said, the list does at least raise an interesting question: what ever happened to Darva Conger?

Speaking of TV, this past weekend I watched an episode of Saved by the Bell called "All in the Mall." In the episode, the gang heads down to the local mall to score tickets to U2's upcoming performance in Bayside (all the top bands play shows in small, nondescript, out-of-the-way suburban enclaves, don't you know that?). Zach leaves Screech in charge of getting the tickets while he and Slater wander off to do Zach-and-Slater-type things. Of course, Screech fucks the whole thing up by getting out of line, and everyone is mad at him. But here's the thing: isn't this all Zach's fault? I mean, this episode aired in the show's third season, which means that the fact had already been thoroughly established that Screech was an absolute dumbass who couldn't be counted on to perform even though most basic of tasks correctly, let alone complex ones. Part of being a good leader is knowing the strengths and weaknesses of your personnel. Zach should have exercised a little forethought and judgment and left Lisa in charge of procuring tickets--she was someone that you could really count on in a pinch. Zach, if you're out there, I just want you to know that instead of yelling at others for failing, perhaps you should yell at the Screech within. Isn't he the one who really screwed things up?