Stuff About Words and/or Iron Maiden

I'm not sure why, but it occurred to me this morning, out of the blue, why I never really liked that band Cycle Sluts from Hell. It wasn't because of their music per se, but rather it was because of their name. Cycle Sluts from Hell. It's so vague. What kind of cycle are we talking about here? Bicycle? Tricycle? Something else? You might not think that it matters, but it does--you don't want to confuse a motorcycle slut with a unicycle slut. Believe me.

I've also always had a problem with the word 'vague', even though I used it in the last sentence. Mainly it's because of its spelling: in print it looks like 'segue', even though 'segue' is pronounced "seg-wey", and 'vague' is pronounced "veyg." Why the difference? Maybe it's because of this: if 'vague' were pronounced like 'segue', it would sound like 'vag-wey', which is dangerously close to sounding like 'vaj-wey', which sounds like a highway made out of vaginas. And that's just gross. So there you have it.

I've been reading this book called The Dictionary of Bullshit; in part four, the section on "Sales and Marketing Bullshit", the word awesome is defined thusly: "awesome (adj.) Just one of many adjectives that have become so devalued by advertising copy that even such things as T-shirts can be awesome, or even, like, totally awesome." Here's the thing: the author of this book is British. Reading this passage reminded me of when I visited London. One night in a bar, we started talking to some random British people; when I was asked what my favorite part of the trip had been, I said Westminster Abbey, the grandeur of which I described as "awesome." To this, one of the dudes we were talking to asked, "What is it with Americans and that word?" To this I replied, "USA! USA!", and I ran out of the bar. Regardless of my hasty exit that night, I still learned something, and between that incident and my reading of The Dictionary of Bullshit, I think that I'm now able to formulate a linguistic law. It's this: Americans have a thing with using the word 'awesome', but so do the English, but not so much with using it but rather with criticizing other people for using it because apparently there can never be anything that is awesome enough to justify using the word 'awesome'. Interesting.

As much as I hate it when clerks at stores try to upsell me on items, I must admit that, sometimes, I really do admire the chutzpah of these people. Take, for example, the guy at Best Buy yesterday: when I asked him if they had the new Iron Maiden DVD in stock, the one that was supposed to be released yesterday, he said, "I didn't see it back there, but we do have the new Christina Aguilera DVD." That's right: I asked for Iron Maiden, he offered me Christina Aguilera. That, my friends, takes gigantic balls. Not only does it take gigantic balls, but it takes gigantic balls that are also made out of some super-strong metal--like adamantium. Best Buy salesman with massive adamantium nards: I salute you!