15 Types of Huh?

I went to New York this weekend with my friend Alex. Somehow, ending my long-standing streak, I apparently didn't contract any germs whilst in the city. Perhaps this was a direct result of me drinking all of that bleach at that party at the Olsen Twins place that we went to. So, no germs, but here's what did happen: on Saturday night we ended up at a bar in Soho that was packed, wall-to-wall, with douche bags. What kind of douche bags? The worst kind: hipster douche bags. Now, this bar was a little upscale, and so they had a super-large menu of beer, and a rather large wine list; both types of booze were listed on menus hanging up behind the bar, and these menus were hard for me to read due to the facts that at the time we were at the bar, I was (a) intoxicated and (b) 31 years old. But, I knew they were there--I'm not a complete idiot. So, Alex and I were trying to order drinks, and the guy we were staying with went off to find us a table; as he was walking away I asked him if there was anything that his girlfriend wanted, and he said, "Get her a glass of red wine." I said "okay" and repeated this to Alex, who was actually at the bar. After I did so, this fat guy with a beard who had been standing next to me all this time (alone, I should add), says to me, "They have 15 kinds of red wine here." As I could see the menu, I knew that they had 15 types of red wine--I was merely repeating to Alex what our friend had told me. So I said to this guy, "I know" and just kind of looked at him. His reply to this was "A glass of red wine?!"; he delivered this line in the snottiest tone possible, and then, he stormed off. It was awesome. I wonder if this is how this guy lives his life--just hanging out by himself in hipster bars in hipster neighborhoods, waiting for the chance to denounce unsuspecting patrons over their supposed lack of knowledge regarding spirits. Maybe his project is not exclusively related to alcohol. I must admit: I was kind of hoping that wherever we went for brunch yesterday morning, he would be there, and when I ordered a cheese omelet, he would say to me "They have 3 kinds of cheese here!" Then, he would throw a muffin at me and run from the restaurant, hipster tears streaming down his woolly cheeks. Alas, he didn't show up for breakfast. But, we'll always have Soho. Ultimately, the moral of the story is this: always do your research when buying a dishwasher--those things are pretty pricey, and if you buy the wrong one, you're kind of stuck with it.

You know how when you eat asparagus and then urinate, your pee smells weird? Why does this only happen with asparagus? I don't mean scientifically, I mean in a competitive sense--don't other vegetables care that asparagus is having all the fun? I mean, if you eat a green pepper and then go to the bathroom, you're sure as hell not going to talk about it afterwards; but with asparagus--you're telling everyone about the urination session you just had. The whole thing just makes me lose respect for non-asparagus vegetables. Hey, other vegetables: it's called branding. Look into it.