Shorter Than Gary Coleman

It's no big deal to see someone picking their nose while they're driving--there's something about the freedom of the open road that makes people say to themselves, "let's dig for treasure!" Yesterday though, while I was driving home from the grocery store, I was amazed by the depth of the nose pick that I saw in a passing car. To be blunt: if this guy had has his hand submerged any further in his naval cavity, he would have been massaging his own cerebellum. We're talking deep stuff, here. Strangely, I reacted to seeing this in the exact same way I reacted when I first realized that Bruce Vilanch was gay: I chuckled, and then I puked in my mouth just a little bit.

I received this message from Gene, Paul, and the rest of the Kiss fellas yesterday: "No matter if you're rocking it out, showing it off, heating it up or toasting the night, we have the perfect KISS for you this Valentine's Day." Then, the message lists a bunch of officially licensed Kiss items for sale. Gee, what a great idea. Thanks, Kiss! I mean, I don't know about your situation, but I'm sure my old lady would love to get the official Hotter Than Hell Zip Up Hoody for Valentine's Day. The vagina is in the bag, my friends.

On MTV2 they do this thing where you can record your own rap on a webcam and submit it, and if it meets MTV2s incredibly high artistic standards, they will air it as a commercial. For some reason, they aired one of these during Headbanger's Ball on Saturday night; I guess that makes sense though--while your average metal fan is not interested in rap, sometimes, the knowledge that is dropped is so good, everyone can enjoy it. To wit, this is one of the raps that the amateur rapper rapped during the rap commercial that I saw: "I never take nothing for granted / 'cause life is shorter than Gary Coleman." Not only is that rap-couplet simply true, and not only does it contain an image so powerful, Keats would have traded his most prized pair of pantaloons for it, it's also amazingly innovative: finally we know that "granted" rhymes with "Coleman." MTV2: I salute you, for making all of us better people.