A Nuke In Every Garage

I have a library book due tomorrow, and I find myself sitting here wondering if I should even make an effort to get it returned on time, because honestly, if it's late, what's the library going to do? I'll tell you: charge me 10 cents a day until I bring the book back. 10 cents! Who gives a fuck? I'm pretty every time I take a dump that it's worth more than 10 cents (because I drink a lot of Goldschlager). If the library wants people to take it seriously, it needs to up the ante a little bit in terms of penalizing late borrowers. At the least, make a threatening phone call to me. Send someone to break my knees. DO SOMETHING, LIBRARY.

So, the book that I have due is about the nuclear arms race. While reading it, I was reminded of when I was in sixth grade and the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty was signed. In my sixth grade class we had journals that we kept--our teacher would assign us topics and we would write about them and he would grade them. One such topic that we had to write about was nuclear arms when the aforementioned Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty was treatified; specifically, our teacher wanted to know what we ourselves would say to Reagan and Gorbachev about nuclear weapons if we had the chance to speak to them. My entry at the time concerned taking all of the nuclear weapons on Earth and putting them on the moon; then, the weapons would be monitored, and if any spaceships or what-have-yous tried to go to the moon, they would be shot down. I remember my teacher question my essay by asking: if all the missiles were on the moon, how could we shoot down someone going up there? I'm still kind of cheesed off by this response, because my proposal dealt with putting nuclear missiles on the moon, not all missiles. I mean, DUH. Putting regular missiles on the moon would just be dumb. Still, in hindsight, I do realize that my nuclear weapon suggestion was more than a little silly. You can't put nuclear weapons on the moon! It just wouldn't work--they don't make cranes big enough to do that. No, what I should have proposed was this much more logical and feasible notion: the complete and total nuclear arming of every member of the human race. That's right: a thermonuclear device for every man, woman, and child on Earth. Look, one of the crucial linchpins of the nuclear arms race was deterrence theory, i.e. that your opponent wouldn't attack you if he would suffer annihilation as a result. What better way to completely guarantee mutually assured destruction than by making sure that everyone, everywhere had his/her own nuclear weapon? And wouldn't it give everyone something to do? It would have helped me out--I could have quite the lame-ass Cub Scouts way earlier than I did by claiming that the maintenance of my personal nuclear missile was taking up all my free time. I just wish that I had had this awesome idea 20 years ago--I could have changed the course of world history and whatnot. Still, the idea is still a good one, and it's not too late. Individual nuclear weapons: it's the right thing to do and the right way to do it.