Things That I Love

Something that I love: when you're sick, and you go to work, and someone asks you how you're feeling, and you say "I'm sick", and they say, "Yeah, you look TERRIBLE!", even though you're pretty sure that despite your illness, you pretty much look exactly the way that you normally do. That's a good time right there--I refer to such situations as "self-esteem eradicators." If there were a way to eliminate germs as effectively, none of us would ever feel under the weather again.

Something else that I love: trying to change a tire when you're sick. There's something awesome about having snot running down your face whilst also having hands that are completely covered with tar or grease or road schmeg or whatever it is that your hands become covered with when changing a tire. Seriously, what the fuck do they coat tires and wheel studs with, anyways? Ground up slugs and radioactive black tar? I've been washing my hands for like a day straight and I still can't get the smell off. So, not only do I look TERRIBLE, but I smell TERRIBLE too. I guess this must be what it feels like to be Elizabeth Taylor.

Something something else that I love: when you take your car to the mechanic and the person working on it adjusts the driver's seat to fit his/her specifications, even though s/he will only be driving the car for about five seconds. Just now when I wrote "love", I meant "hate". That applies to previous two paragraphs as well. I was being sarcastic, and you fell for it! Sucker! Anyway, seriously, why does the mechanic have to change the seat position? Is it so hard to just deal with being uncomfortable for a few seconds so that I, Joe Q. Driverberg (NOTE: not my real name), don't have to then spend time trying to restore my seat to the optimized position that it was in previously, a position that it took me months to properly calibrate? I guess it is. This is just more evidence that I need to have the seats removed from my car and have a hammock installed instead. If you're dealing with rush hour from the comfy confines of a hammock, suddenly traffic doesn't seem so bad, does it? Nope.

Okay, so, let me ask: have you figured out from the preceding paragraphs why I had to take my car to the mechanic's? Yes, you guessed it: I removed one of my car's tires and turned it into a super-disk a la Tron, which was awesome, but it had the undesirable side-effect of rendering my car "un-drivable" (that's an automotive term). Let this be a lesson to all of us: as awesome as it is, competitive day-glo disk throwing should be left to the professionals.